I am wondering if you are also wondering....
I'm pretty sure we have all known kids who look, at least from the outside, to be spoiled rotten and who you can hardly stand to be around at times. I know we are all products of our own heredity and live with the cards we are dealt, and of course, this is the nature portion of the nature-nurture debate. That age-old question, with the nurture part being the parenting and the child's environment.
Do you think a child's personality can be influenced so strongly by the adults in their early lives that they grow up to be the classic bridezilla or her opposite toy boy? Of course, but I don't mean by hugging, kissing, and loving them too much. I mean by showering them with the wrong messages because of some of our own skewed attitudes. You deserved....that wasn't fair.... etc. I don't mean by plying them with material goods or telling them how smart and bright they are even when they're not NHL or model material. But that could go wrong too. Building a child's self-esteem is one of the most important things we can do, because God knows we have all known people who appear to have none and why is that? But can we go too far? Everybody thinks they're a star now because they all get the medal or the trophy at the end of the game. Is giving this treat or this "atta boy/girl" pat on the back a form of giving in? I don't think so. With that line of reasoning the opposite could be true. The lack of indulging or attention might make the child move too much the other way. We need to strike a balance.
As parents, we don't know what to do when we find our children have "everything", they always seem to get their own way, and have to be consulted on every little decision. In effect, they seem to "rule the roost" without even crying or stomping their feet . We find we have fallen into a pattern to avoid the aforementioned behavior because it's just that much easier. We worry we are letting them get away with murder and oh my, what will the neighbours say? In reality, anyone understands the reason. Why would anybody want to have to go through all the grief if you can do a "work around"? But, hold on, don't you know adults who do the same thing? Husbands and wives, siblings, friends...we all know when to do the "work around". It would be interesting to be a fly on the wall way back when to see how adults were treated as kids - were they over-indulged and spoiled rotten, or did they go without and become resentful because of it? The old adage applies, "make sure your kids have money because if you don't they will do whatever it takes to get it".
Do you believe that yes, children can become physically demanding and yes, if you cave every time they throw a twister or pout, then you may indeed be heading down that narrow path that creates your own little monster? Do you think it's the power struggle behind the behavior that has to be looked at first? Especially since those snits and bad moods are good forms of learning how to control people. We all have a need for power after all, but learning the art of becoming a controller is an entirely different kettle of fish, just the way learning the art of being kind and caring is. Not that there are any full-grown controllers in existence today... How do children grow up to be sociopaths and psychopaths? Is it nature or nurture?
Kids are all different, but believe me they usually respond to hugs, kisses, being held, and above all, cuddled. Some kids demand, some kids shrug off....you could give some alot of presents and the first kid might open them then ignore everything in favor of riding their bike....The next would dive in and start happily playing with one gift and leave the others for later. A third would scream because it was the wrong thing! Digging into the reason behind each of these behaviors takes knowing your child. Are they hungry, tired, frustrated or getting sick? Are they sick of presents and lonely for affection and friends to play with? What are their priorities at the moment, have they been stuck inside for days and are dying to play outside? Do you think what you want is more important than what they want? How are they feeling physically and emotionally? Are their feelings hurt because you just finished yelling at them? Not surprisingly a snack, an apology from you, a break from you, a drink of water, or a chance to get outside to play in the fresh air can be as useful as a much-needed nap. The act of jumping on a bike and exercising is rejuvenating and a way to cope. They need time alone too. An outburst might be the only way the child can have a "voice". Playing with one gift at a time makes good sense. All of these reactions and activities are what adults do too, depending upon the situation. If I've been cooped up in my office all day, I run to the fresh air on my way home, even if it's opening the car window a crack.
Although a better balance is to comfortably provide for our children, we do tend to try to give affection either the way we received it ourselves or in any other variation of ways. We do what we know which goes along with that rule book you didn't get about raising kids. The bottom line is we want to show them our love and bring happiness into their lives, but still rear respectful, community-minded citizens. Keeping in mind that parenting and life can be challenging it helps to have something to look forward to. Play dates do that...and are meant to be a lift especially when other activities are too expensive or not always possible. Boosting their mood on certain days can go a long way to help everyone cope when it might be an otherwise hard or tiresome period. A trip to the store, the playground etc. can also help break up the day. You know how you feel when you get a nice surprise, it often perks you up...as does the fresh air. You've seen the difference between a happy, positive, well-adjusted child and one who is unhappy, pale, moody, and generally in distress. I'm not saying kids with planned or unplanned activities or having parents who are in tune with their wants and needs are better adjusted than those who don't, I'm just saying alot depends on the kids themselves. Would you agree that the causes are multi-faceted and complex and are different for each child in each family? What happens in one family cannot be duplicated exactly in another.
Maybe if they're cranky they have a reason. Have you ever thought they might have Pin Worms...don't laugh, because this affliction truly exists, especially for those who play in the dirt and sand and have pets. If one in the family has it, chances are the whole family has it and everyone has to be treated, just ask your pharmacist to show you the meds and how they work. Nutrition is also exceptionally important, along with enough sleep, fresh air and exercise. If children are served fast food high fat, high sugar, low nutrient foods often, will they have the same energy, health, and development as the child who eats whole foods and a well-rounded diet following Canada's Food Guide? The most important thing you can teach a child it seems is how to fend for themselves in the kitchen. Apparently a large part of the obesity epidemic in this world is caused directly by adults who don't know how to cook and load up on drive-thru and junk food.
Anything can be taken to the extreme and many children nowadays have multiple sets of families because of things like death and divorce. So much love, affection, and support is extraordinary and wonderful. The gifts at Christmas and birthdays for these children can become really huge from a whole assortment of extended family. In addition, there are the birthday parties with all the little friends that go round and round year after year. Kids certainly have no shortage of toys. Will this harm the child? Do you think that, if these children are shown this much love and multiple times over, it can be bad, other than if it has gone to the extreme? Maybe these children who receive so much will learn to give to others less fortunate. Maybe they will not hesitate to share some of what they have. Rather than raising little princes and princesses with a sense of entitlement, we will nurture a whole new generation of caring and generous adults the likes of which the world has never seen. It could happen.
However, at the opposite end of the spectrum, if the child gets to the point where you are absolutely fearful for them..For instance, the whole session of gift opening causes such distress, crying, tantrums etc. that you are ready to cry too....then think about an alternative...If after opening the 300th gift he/she is still looking around and crying for more...Does Plan B needs to be executed and what does Plan B look like? If you already exhausted the physical and emotional questions and rationale described above maybe Too Much Hype is Just Too Much Hype and even the birthday boy or girl can't argue that. Ask yourself and them why...get talking about it. No don't ask why because they won't know the answer. They will only know they feel confusion...When the sweet, entertaining nature of your child turns to pure aggravation a new plan is required.
What can parents do? Is it possible to get on the same page first? First the parents and then children need to have the discussion to try to present a united front. Could something else work? If all the gifts have to continue, could they be doled out like Halloween candy and re-introduced on one of those drearier days when everybody has cabin fever? Could they be shared with other children who have less? Could the discussion circle be widened so that the practice of re-gifting becomes accepted as a reality and not seen as a slight to the giver? Could some of the presents be cold, hard cash or funds for future education, a bond? Could the parents ask that the extended family do something else like take the kids on an outing to the movies, skating, swimming, to the zoo, or even a visit to grandma and/or grandpa's house? Do you think wise parents are having birthday parties at places where the kids can be physically active for a reason? First, it's less work, and saves the house mess, but the gift of togetherness remains and the gifts become secondary. Perhaps one day the gifts will fizzle out entirely based on the cost of the event, but for now gifts are very important, so don't hold your breath.
Do you believe that kids get sick of store-bought toys? As long as your child can say what they want for a toy, that means they still want them. After all, the TV ads are not going to stop anytime soon unless we all make a move to nothing but Netflix. There will always be something new out there to catch their eye. Even so, the old toys keep coming around as something new and unique too. If a child gets to the point of not wanting anything new, then you will surely get the message and pass that along to all those who love him/her. For a kid, a cardboard box or a laundry tub and blanket can provide hours of entertainment. At my house, boys and girls alike have served me tea on numerous occasions from the pink miniature tea set and have brought me the play phone where I have received multiple calls....mostly from mommy and daddy. We have a top and a jack in the box that has tended to cause quite a stir and much giggling and running away to hide before he pops up.
Chocolate bars, penny candy, (showing my age here), or a toy aren't the only treats...Maybe a visitor who sings a goofy song that you make up together, that you teach them and they sing along with you. It might be a game they love like "I spy" or wrestling that you get down on the floor to do. It might be some other thing that makes them laugh, like "remember when you were little and you used to say......" But moms and dads need change and relief too and that's why it's so important to have other adults and children interacting...like extended family, neighbours, and friends. We are challenged. We need to balance our showering of affection on these most precious beings with providing their training. The training is how to be the awesome human beings and stalwart citizens they will get to become for decades. As adults, have we all reached the goal that our parents may have set for us? Some did, some exceeded, and some didn't and never will.
Time is the greatest gift. If you interact with them that is what they will remember. If you make them feel proud because they worked hard on something and then were rewarded for it, what's wrong with that? Wise parents rotate toys and clothes and recycle them. Wise parents dole out sweets, otherwise the wee ones on their sugar high would surely storm the guard! Being at home all day every day with the same people has it's trials and tribulations. The day can get long and everyone's rhythms are not always in sync. Going to school is tiring and that continues from the time you are in pre-school and kindergarten until the day you graduate. Then you get to go to a new job to work harder and longer hours than you ever dreamed possible. It's life as we know it. I vote for the three hour work week, anybody with me? Now that's a reward worth talking about. :-)
What of the demanding child? Is there not a place for him or her in society? Do we want all "good girls and boys" who do exactly what they are told? If we do, who will be the ones to stand up to the bullies and the aggressors of our playgrounds and countries? Learning to get your own way may not be as bad as we think. If you want to survive in the world of work and business, you had better learn how to deal with power and recognize when someone else is hogging it all. We are all born leaders and we all need to craft this skill. We are not raising bullies, we are raising people who can lead, collaborate, and negotiate to make a better society. Hug them, spend time with them. Praise them. Respect them and make them feel good and important about themselves and their family. Apologize when you lose your temper. Show them that it's OK to make mistakes and own up to them. Let them know you are proud of them and speak up on their behalf, if you don't who's gonna?
When you are a parent you have a definite agenda for your children. You want them to turn out a certain way and feel like you have to be the heavy to get what you want. That's called power. In essence, there's a huge imbalance of power between you and your child. They try to exert theirs in the small ways they can. Please remember that. They aren't bad....they are only trying to have a little bit of a say in their little worlds. When you go to raise your voice....ask yourself if you need the full measure or could you have the same effect at half the volume Do you have to always go to full-blown rage to get action? Could you tickle them and get them laughing instead? Remember too much tickling can become a type of abuse, so little tickles for a short time please. Could you put on some music they love or offer to read a story or let them run around naked after their bath?
Children are only that for a very small window of time. They have to learn to navigate a big world and it is our responsibility to nurture them to get them there. Will they be able to cope? If you can, they surely will, given what you have taught them. Given what you know about how they behave today, do you think that will show any resemblance to that by the time they reach eighteen? I have learned from a psychology instructor that after thirteen, processes are pretty well set and it's difficult to make major changes in any child.
Remember to be grateful for the child you have entrusted to your care and be thankful for their innocence, their health, and above all their unconditional love of you.
I'm pretty sure we have all known kids who look, at least from the outside, to be spoiled rotten and who you can hardly stand to be around at times. I know we are all products of our own heredity and live with the cards we are dealt, and of course, this is the nature portion of the nature-nurture debate. That age-old question, with the nurture part being the parenting and the child's environment.
Do you think a child's personality can be influenced so strongly by the adults in their early lives that they grow up to be the classic bridezilla or her opposite toy boy? Of course, but I don't mean by hugging, kissing, and loving them too much. I mean by showering them with the wrong messages because of some of our own skewed attitudes. You deserved....that wasn't fair.... etc. I don't mean by plying them with material goods or telling them how smart and bright they are even when they're not NHL or model material. But that could go wrong too. Building a child's self-esteem is one of the most important things we can do, because God knows we have all known people who appear to have none and why is that? But can we go too far? Everybody thinks they're a star now because they all get the medal or the trophy at the end of the game. Is giving this treat or this "atta boy/girl" pat on the back a form of giving in? I don't think so. With that line of reasoning the opposite could be true. The lack of indulging or attention might make the child move too much the other way. We need to strike a balance.
As parents, we don't know what to do when we find our children have "everything", they always seem to get their own way, and have to be consulted on every little decision. In effect, they seem to "rule the roost" without even crying or stomping their feet . We find we have fallen into a pattern to avoid the aforementioned behavior because it's just that much easier. We worry we are letting them get away with murder and oh my, what will the neighbours say? In reality, anyone understands the reason. Why would anybody want to have to go through all the grief if you can do a "work around"? But, hold on, don't you know adults who do the same thing? Husbands and wives, siblings, friends...we all know when to do the "work around". It would be interesting to be a fly on the wall way back when to see how adults were treated as kids - were they over-indulged and spoiled rotten, or did they go without and become resentful because of it? The old adage applies, "make sure your kids have money because if you don't they will do whatever it takes to get it".
Do you believe that yes, children can become physically demanding and yes, if you cave every time they throw a twister or pout, then you may indeed be heading down that narrow path that creates your own little monster? Do you think it's the power struggle behind the behavior that has to be looked at first? Especially since those snits and bad moods are good forms of learning how to control people. We all have a need for power after all, but learning the art of becoming a controller is an entirely different kettle of fish, just the way learning the art of being kind and caring is. Not that there are any full-grown controllers in existence today... How do children grow up to be sociopaths and psychopaths? Is it nature or nurture?
Kids are all different, but believe me they usually respond to hugs, kisses, being held, and above all, cuddled. Some kids demand, some kids shrug off....you could give some alot of presents and the first kid might open them then ignore everything in favor of riding their bike....The next would dive in and start happily playing with one gift and leave the others for later. A third would scream because it was the wrong thing! Digging into the reason behind each of these behaviors takes knowing your child. Are they hungry, tired, frustrated or getting sick? Are they sick of presents and lonely for affection and friends to play with? What are their priorities at the moment, have they been stuck inside for days and are dying to play outside? Do you think what you want is more important than what they want? How are they feeling physically and emotionally? Are their feelings hurt because you just finished yelling at them? Not surprisingly a snack, an apology from you, a break from you, a drink of water, or a chance to get outside to play in the fresh air can be as useful as a much-needed nap. The act of jumping on a bike and exercising is rejuvenating and a way to cope. They need time alone too. An outburst might be the only way the child can have a "voice". Playing with one gift at a time makes good sense. All of these reactions and activities are what adults do too, depending upon the situation. If I've been cooped up in my office all day, I run to the fresh air on my way home, even if it's opening the car window a crack.
Although a better balance is to comfortably provide for our children, we do tend to try to give affection either the way we received it ourselves or in any other variation of ways. We do what we know which goes along with that rule book you didn't get about raising kids. The bottom line is we want to show them our love and bring happiness into their lives, but still rear respectful, community-minded citizens. Keeping in mind that parenting and life can be challenging it helps to have something to look forward to. Play dates do that...and are meant to be a lift especially when other activities are too expensive or not always possible. Boosting their mood on certain days can go a long way to help everyone cope when it might be an otherwise hard or tiresome period. A trip to the store, the playground etc. can also help break up the day. You know how you feel when you get a nice surprise, it often perks you up...as does the fresh air. You've seen the difference between a happy, positive, well-adjusted child and one who is unhappy, pale, moody, and generally in distress. I'm not saying kids with planned or unplanned activities or having parents who are in tune with their wants and needs are better adjusted than those who don't, I'm just saying alot depends on the kids themselves. Would you agree that the causes are multi-faceted and complex and are different for each child in each family? What happens in one family cannot be duplicated exactly in another.
Maybe if they're cranky they have a reason. Have you ever thought they might have Pin Worms...don't laugh, because this affliction truly exists, especially for those who play in the dirt and sand and have pets. If one in the family has it, chances are the whole family has it and everyone has to be treated, just ask your pharmacist to show you the meds and how they work. Nutrition is also exceptionally important, along with enough sleep, fresh air and exercise. If children are served fast food high fat, high sugar, low nutrient foods often, will they have the same energy, health, and development as the child who eats whole foods and a well-rounded diet following Canada's Food Guide? The most important thing you can teach a child it seems is how to fend for themselves in the kitchen. Apparently a large part of the obesity epidemic in this world is caused directly by adults who don't know how to cook and load up on drive-thru and junk food.
Anything can be taken to the extreme and many children nowadays have multiple sets of families because of things like death and divorce. So much love, affection, and support is extraordinary and wonderful. The gifts at Christmas and birthdays for these children can become really huge from a whole assortment of extended family. In addition, there are the birthday parties with all the little friends that go round and round year after year. Kids certainly have no shortage of toys. Will this harm the child? Do you think that, if these children are shown this much love and multiple times over, it can be bad, other than if it has gone to the extreme? Maybe these children who receive so much will learn to give to others less fortunate. Maybe they will not hesitate to share some of what they have. Rather than raising little princes and princesses with a sense of entitlement, we will nurture a whole new generation of caring and generous adults the likes of which the world has never seen. It could happen.
However, at the opposite end of the spectrum, if the child gets to the point where you are absolutely fearful for them..For instance, the whole session of gift opening causes such distress, crying, tantrums etc. that you are ready to cry too....then think about an alternative...If after opening the 300th gift he/she is still looking around and crying for more...Does Plan B needs to be executed and what does Plan B look like? If you already exhausted the physical and emotional questions and rationale described above maybe Too Much Hype is Just Too Much Hype and even the birthday boy or girl can't argue that. Ask yourself and them why...get talking about it. No don't ask why because they won't know the answer. They will only know they feel confusion...When the sweet, entertaining nature of your child turns to pure aggravation a new plan is required.
What can parents do? Is it possible to get on the same page first? First the parents and then children need to have the discussion to try to present a united front. Could something else work? If all the gifts have to continue, could they be doled out like Halloween candy and re-introduced on one of those drearier days when everybody has cabin fever? Could they be shared with other children who have less? Could the discussion circle be widened so that the practice of re-gifting becomes accepted as a reality and not seen as a slight to the giver? Could some of the presents be cold, hard cash or funds for future education, a bond? Could the parents ask that the extended family do something else like take the kids on an outing to the movies, skating, swimming, to the zoo, or even a visit to grandma and/or grandpa's house? Do you think wise parents are having birthday parties at places where the kids can be physically active for a reason? First, it's less work, and saves the house mess, but the gift of togetherness remains and the gifts become secondary. Perhaps one day the gifts will fizzle out entirely based on the cost of the event, but for now gifts are very important, so don't hold your breath.
Do you believe that kids get sick of store-bought toys? As long as your child can say what they want for a toy, that means they still want them. After all, the TV ads are not going to stop anytime soon unless we all make a move to nothing but Netflix. There will always be something new out there to catch their eye. Even so, the old toys keep coming around as something new and unique too. If a child gets to the point of not wanting anything new, then you will surely get the message and pass that along to all those who love him/her. For a kid, a cardboard box or a laundry tub and blanket can provide hours of entertainment. At my house, boys and girls alike have served me tea on numerous occasions from the pink miniature tea set and have brought me the play phone where I have received multiple calls....mostly from mommy and daddy. We have a top and a jack in the box that has tended to cause quite a stir and much giggling and running away to hide before he pops up.
Chocolate bars, penny candy, (showing my age here), or a toy aren't the only treats...Maybe a visitor who sings a goofy song that you make up together, that you teach them and they sing along with you. It might be a game they love like "I spy" or wrestling that you get down on the floor to do. It might be some other thing that makes them laugh, like "remember when you were little and you used to say......" But moms and dads need change and relief too and that's why it's so important to have other adults and children interacting...like extended family, neighbours, and friends. We are challenged. We need to balance our showering of affection on these most precious beings with providing their training. The training is how to be the awesome human beings and stalwart citizens they will get to become for decades. As adults, have we all reached the goal that our parents may have set for us? Some did, some exceeded, and some didn't and never will.
Time is the greatest gift. If you interact with them that is what they will remember. If you make them feel proud because they worked hard on something and then were rewarded for it, what's wrong with that? Wise parents rotate toys and clothes and recycle them. Wise parents dole out sweets, otherwise the wee ones on their sugar high would surely storm the guard! Being at home all day every day with the same people has it's trials and tribulations. The day can get long and everyone's rhythms are not always in sync. Going to school is tiring and that continues from the time you are in pre-school and kindergarten until the day you graduate. Then you get to go to a new job to work harder and longer hours than you ever dreamed possible. It's life as we know it. I vote for the three hour work week, anybody with me? Now that's a reward worth talking about. :-)
What of the demanding child? Is there not a place for him or her in society? Do we want all "good girls and boys" who do exactly what they are told? If we do, who will be the ones to stand up to the bullies and the aggressors of our playgrounds and countries? Learning to get your own way may not be as bad as we think. If you want to survive in the world of work and business, you had better learn how to deal with power and recognize when someone else is hogging it all. We are all born leaders and we all need to craft this skill. We are not raising bullies, we are raising people who can lead, collaborate, and negotiate to make a better society. Hug them, spend time with them. Praise them. Respect them and make them feel good and important about themselves and their family. Apologize when you lose your temper. Show them that it's OK to make mistakes and own up to them. Let them know you are proud of them and speak up on their behalf, if you don't who's gonna?
When you are a parent you have a definite agenda for your children. You want them to turn out a certain way and feel like you have to be the heavy to get what you want. That's called power. In essence, there's a huge imbalance of power between you and your child. They try to exert theirs in the small ways they can. Please remember that. They aren't bad....they are only trying to have a little bit of a say in their little worlds. When you go to raise your voice....ask yourself if you need the full measure or could you have the same effect at half the volume Do you have to always go to full-blown rage to get action? Could you tickle them and get them laughing instead? Remember too much tickling can become a type of abuse, so little tickles for a short time please. Could you put on some music they love or offer to read a story or let them run around naked after their bath?
Children are only that for a very small window of time. They have to learn to navigate a big world and it is our responsibility to nurture them to get them there. Will they be able to cope? If you can, they surely will, given what you have taught them. Given what you know about how they behave today, do you think that will show any resemblance to that by the time they reach eighteen? I have learned from a psychology instructor that after thirteen, processes are pretty well set and it's difficult to make major changes in any child.
Remember to be grateful for the child you have entrusted to your care and be thankful for their innocence, their health, and above all their unconditional love of you.
