Spinning your wheels
Waiting...waiting....waiting....what do you do now that your relationship has ended? The word is out, or so you think that you are now alone. After all, this isn't small town or high school anymore. This is being middle aged, living life in a city where you didn't grow up, in a big cruel world. By now, your entire world is full of couples and families living their daily lives, possibly sympathetic, but largely oblivious to the unique needs of you, the single person. I believe there is a more sympathetic view toward the new widow or widower, but even so, many of the circumstances can be shared by those divorced, or those never married. The married person I understand, believes those not married to be living a grand social life....Would that be true in your case? Surely, not mine.
In some cases, friends may invite you to attend functions with them like dinners or dances, as the third party. I don't know about you, but once may be enough to try that. There's nothing like being the third wheel. Uncomfortable to say the least....especially when the friend insists you take a turn on the dance floor with their spouse and you are left feeling awful because you have to decline. Why? You can't get past the feelings..and what are these feelings you ask? The kind where you don't want to horn in on any type of relationship of any possible friend. You don't want to ever come between your friends and their partners. You know that, but do they? You will never know for sure, but do they actually cast sidelong glances your way thinking it would be best to ease away from a potential problem? Could happen and does., in fact I think it's normal behavior and very common. The other feeling is when those at the function know you and your history and understand that your friend is sharing their mate with you so you don't feel left out...all out of the goodness of their heart. Nice of them, but totally says something sad about you. The bottom line: You shouldn't have tried to go to something like that so soon...like a Christmas party.
Back to the drawing board, you join a support group for those finding themselves suddenly single...The opposite sex are few and far between at the first meeting, and although disappointed, you still hope and pray the few there don't glom onto you in any way, shape or form. It's too soon you tell yourself. They must have issues or they wouldn't be there. Just like you and you have enough of your own, so you can't possibly take on somebody else's. One's too tall and one has funny eyes...You wish you could hide under the chair or escape out the window, but you hang in for the entire first session because you are too embarrassed to leave. You start to sweat and turn beet red...You might miss the second session for this very reason. By the third, you realize you are still looking for answers and really there is no one else to turn to. In fact, the leader is delivering such great information, it would be a shame to miss out on any of it, so you go again. By the time you get over 'yourself' and calm down, you come to the realization these people have about as much interest in climbing your frame as nothing. All they want is a new friend, and if you're smart, you eventually get to that point too. As a result of these support groups, maybe some participants will connect with each other in a romantic way, but if they do, they are in a far different place than you. At the very least, you will make contacts and friendships that will likely always be there. Six weeks comes and goes pretty quick and your weekly sessions end. We all agreed we were glad we went and felt better equipped to face the world.
Next is the inevitable hook up by a mutual friend or relative. You possibly talk on the phone to the new person and then agree to meet somewhere for coffee. You have your family on high alert and possibly driving around the block in case there's something amiss. If you could put the police on speed dial you would. You agonize about everything they might show up with, but especially the most intimate things...teeth condition, smell, cleanliness etc. And you go finally and meet them...Although it may not be love at first sight, you sit through the session anyhow...for the sake of the friend who set you up....and for yourself. You decide upon leaving that this person is definitely not for you. They talk too much, or have a funny look about them. Yet, within the next day or so, they now show up at your house, unannounced....Although caught off guard, you invite them in for a cup of tea. Once again, possibly not knowing how to shut them out, or even not knowing a polite way to tell them to take a hike. Underneath, you secretly hope and pray it will work out so you no longer have to be alone. (What happened to being happy in your own company?) They continue to show up at random times and phone and start monopolizing your life. You start getting used to them and they to you. Occasionally, they make you laugh. You meet their family and they meet yours, and on it goes. You remind yourself that middle aged relationships are probably different than those in your earlier years. You're likely never going to find your perfect ideal mate...If you think you're going to wait around for perfection, you will be waiting forever. So the relationship moves forward and you look forward to time when you can be together with that other person. So that's how it goes for possibly a very long time and then quicker than it started...the relationship is over. One decides to move on, but both know without saying that the break was inevitable.
Time alone is healing, but you really do need to learn how to be happy with your own company. Really, we can all be happy spending time by ourselves, even though nobody would argue that you live longer with a mate. Couples seem to have so much more fun...just like blondes, that may be a myth. Fun, love and caring for another person or whatever (dog, cat, fish) does make the world go round. Unless of course you are co-dependent, then you seem to have to live for someone else and can't be alone. Let's say you're not, I don't think I am. If you are freshly out of a relationship for whatever reason, be sure to give yourself time to grieve the loss. If you dive right into something new, it could be a mistake. I'm just saying give yourself a chance to spruce up in every way possible before making a move, especially in the self confidence department. Personally, I would like to join up with others in places like at an old time dance club, card playing, neighborhood crafting..things I promise to do once I'm not so busy working full time...a cop out of course.
Online dating is what's left if you don't belong to community groups, clubs, or the bar scene. Online dating can be quite disheartening. Just when you find somebody you think might be good, they want nothing to do with you. Basically though, I feel like there's something wrong with going through pictures and discarding possibly perfectly good people on the basis of how they look. We all know people with golden personalities and wonderful senses of humor that we love to be around. Maybe they aren't great to look at, but we don't even notice it because they make us feel good. That is the piece missing with these profiles and pictures. Now for sure, there are people on there who look like they fell asleep in the gutter and had someone drag them out and take their picture to post...I'm not kidding. There are people who refuse to post a picture and expect you to pay attention to them. Are they kidding? I started talking to someone like that, who did agree to post a picture. Unfortunately, I discovered mid way through our initial discussions that he was newly out of prison, living in a basement suite in a neighboring village, looking for work... Then there are the pictures of people who look like models...beware...these can truly be scammers and they will say whatever you ever wanted to hear all your life. You are beautiful, they love you, they can't live without you. They think only of you and on and on. Run, don't walk.
I have met with a few members of the opposite sex through online dating....Most have not appealed to me. One had a mouth as foul as the sewers of Paris....and was nothing to look at. Another was so dirty, I don't know how he got cleaned up long enough to have his picture posted. I tried dating someone from another culture for a time, but although he was a fine person, the cultural and age differences became far too pronounced.
You hear of old friends and acquaintances who also suddenly find themselves single. You wonder if you should reach out. You hesitate for fear it is too soon or that they think you are being pushy. You want to be supportive, but you hang back. If you're anything like me, you recognize other worldly signs and mine seem to come forward in dreams. I have had on occasion a newly single male come to me in a dream. In the morning, I have to think about the possibilities. The dreams always surprise me...and there have been a few. I would like to contact the person then, but doubt they are even aware of the concept not to mention open to it...too weird.
I am not alone...there are many other singles both male and female, silently going about their business. If they find someone, I am very happy for them and wish them all the best. I hope things work out. If nothing else, you get to widen your circle of friends and maybe keep looking. Life goes on, and one day maybe you will realize it doesn't really matter. You may never meet your soul mate or the "one" or even the person who moved in and out of your life for a time. This might just be it....you and your world...So enjoy your families, your grandchildren, your friends and co-workers. Take pride in what you do and what you are contributing to the world just by being in it. Love the outdoors and the changing of the seasons. Find beauty, laughter and love in yourself and everything around you.
By the time you're elderly, many will be without partners, but a strange thing could happen...suddenly social lives could zoom into high gear. The once middle-aged person is now eligible to join a local seniors group or move into a seniors housing complex and their lives come alive again.
Hang in there.
Waiting...waiting....waiting....what do you do now that your relationship has ended? The word is out, or so you think that you are now alone. After all, this isn't small town or high school anymore. This is being middle aged, living life in a city where you didn't grow up, in a big cruel world. By now, your entire world is full of couples and families living their daily lives, possibly sympathetic, but largely oblivious to the unique needs of you, the single person. I believe there is a more sympathetic view toward the new widow or widower, but even so, many of the circumstances can be shared by those divorced, or those never married. The married person I understand, believes those not married to be living a grand social life....Would that be true in your case? Surely, not mine.
In some cases, friends may invite you to attend functions with them like dinners or dances, as the third party. I don't know about you, but once may be enough to try that. There's nothing like being the third wheel. Uncomfortable to say the least....especially when the friend insists you take a turn on the dance floor with their spouse and you are left feeling awful because you have to decline. Why? You can't get past the feelings..and what are these feelings you ask? The kind where you don't want to horn in on any type of relationship of any possible friend. You don't want to ever come between your friends and their partners. You know that, but do they? You will never know for sure, but do they actually cast sidelong glances your way thinking it would be best to ease away from a potential problem? Could happen and does., in fact I think it's normal behavior and very common. The other feeling is when those at the function know you and your history and understand that your friend is sharing their mate with you so you don't feel left out...all out of the goodness of their heart. Nice of them, but totally says something sad about you. The bottom line: You shouldn't have tried to go to something like that so soon...like a Christmas party.
Back to the drawing board, you join a support group for those finding themselves suddenly single...The opposite sex are few and far between at the first meeting, and although disappointed, you still hope and pray the few there don't glom onto you in any way, shape or form. It's too soon you tell yourself. They must have issues or they wouldn't be there. Just like you and you have enough of your own, so you can't possibly take on somebody else's. One's too tall and one has funny eyes...You wish you could hide under the chair or escape out the window, but you hang in for the entire first session because you are too embarrassed to leave. You start to sweat and turn beet red...You might miss the second session for this very reason. By the third, you realize you are still looking for answers and really there is no one else to turn to. In fact, the leader is delivering such great information, it would be a shame to miss out on any of it, so you go again. By the time you get over 'yourself' and calm down, you come to the realization these people have about as much interest in climbing your frame as nothing. All they want is a new friend, and if you're smart, you eventually get to that point too. As a result of these support groups, maybe some participants will connect with each other in a romantic way, but if they do, they are in a far different place than you. At the very least, you will make contacts and friendships that will likely always be there. Six weeks comes and goes pretty quick and your weekly sessions end. We all agreed we were glad we went and felt better equipped to face the world.
Next is the inevitable hook up by a mutual friend or relative. You possibly talk on the phone to the new person and then agree to meet somewhere for coffee. You have your family on high alert and possibly driving around the block in case there's something amiss. If you could put the police on speed dial you would. You agonize about everything they might show up with, but especially the most intimate things...teeth condition, smell, cleanliness etc. And you go finally and meet them...Although it may not be love at first sight, you sit through the session anyhow...for the sake of the friend who set you up....and for yourself. You decide upon leaving that this person is definitely not for you. They talk too much, or have a funny look about them. Yet, within the next day or so, they now show up at your house, unannounced....Although caught off guard, you invite them in for a cup of tea. Once again, possibly not knowing how to shut them out, or even not knowing a polite way to tell them to take a hike. Underneath, you secretly hope and pray it will work out so you no longer have to be alone. (What happened to being happy in your own company?) They continue to show up at random times and phone and start monopolizing your life. You start getting used to them and they to you. Occasionally, they make you laugh. You meet their family and they meet yours, and on it goes. You remind yourself that middle aged relationships are probably different than those in your earlier years. You're likely never going to find your perfect ideal mate...If you think you're going to wait around for perfection, you will be waiting forever. So the relationship moves forward and you look forward to time when you can be together with that other person. So that's how it goes for possibly a very long time and then quicker than it started...the relationship is over. One decides to move on, but both know without saying that the break was inevitable.
Time alone is healing, but you really do need to learn how to be happy with your own company. Really, we can all be happy spending time by ourselves, even though nobody would argue that you live longer with a mate. Couples seem to have so much more fun...just like blondes, that may be a myth. Fun, love and caring for another person or whatever (dog, cat, fish) does make the world go round. Unless of course you are co-dependent, then you seem to have to live for someone else and can't be alone. Let's say you're not, I don't think I am. If you are freshly out of a relationship for whatever reason, be sure to give yourself time to grieve the loss. If you dive right into something new, it could be a mistake. I'm just saying give yourself a chance to spruce up in every way possible before making a move, especially in the self confidence department. Personally, I would like to join up with others in places like at an old time dance club, card playing, neighborhood crafting..things I promise to do once I'm not so busy working full time...a cop out of course.
Online dating is what's left if you don't belong to community groups, clubs, or the bar scene. Online dating can be quite disheartening. Just when you find somebody you think might be good, they want nothing to do with you. Basically though, I feel like there's something wrong with going through pictures and discarding possibly perfectly good people on the basis of how they look. We all know people with golden personalities and wonderful senses of humor that we love to be around. Maybe they aren't great to look at, but we don't even notice it because they make us feel good. That is the piece missing with these profiles and pictures. Now for sure, there are people on there who look like they fell asleep in the gutter and had someone drag them out and take their picture to post...I'm not kidding. There are people who refuse to post a picture and expect you to pay attention to them. Are they kidding? I started talking to someone like that, who did agree to post a picture. Unfortunately, I discovered mid way through our initial discussions that he was newly out of prison, living in a basement suite in a neighboring village, looking for work... Then there are the pictures of people who look like models...beware...these can truly be scammers and they will say whatever you ever wanted to hear all your life. You are beautiful, they love you, they can't live without you. They think only of you and on and on. Run, don't walk.
I have met with a few members of the opposite sex through online dating....Most have not appealed to me. One had a mouth as foul as the sewers of Paris....and was nothing to look at. Another was so dirty, I don't know how he got cleaned up long enough to have his picture posted. I tried dating someone from another culture for a time, but although he was a fine person, the cultural and age differences became far too pronounced.
You hear of old friends and acquaintances who also suddenly find themselves single. You wonder if you should reach out. You hesitate for fear it is too soon or that they think you are being pushy. You want to be supportive, but you hang back. If you're anything like me, you recognize other worldly signs and mine seem to come forward in dreams. I have had on occasion a newly single male come to me in a dream. In the morning, I have to think about the possibilities. The dreams always surprise me...and there have been a few. I would like to contact the person then, but doubt they are even aware of the concept not to mention open to it...too weird.
I am not alone...there are many other singles both male and female, silently going about their business. If they find someone, I am very happy for them and wish them all the best. I hope things work out. If nothing else, you get to widen your circle of friends and maybe keep looking. Life goes on, and one day maybe you will realize it doesn't really matter. You may never meet your soul mate or the "one" or even the person who moved in and out of your life for a time. This might just be it....you and your world...So enjoy your families, your grandchildren, your friends and co-workers. Take pride in what you do and what you are contributing to the world just by being in it. Love the outdoors and the changing of the seasons. Find beauty, laughter and love in yourself and everything around you.
By the time you're elderly, many will be without partners, but a strange thing could happen...suddenly social lives could zoom into high gear. The once middle-aged person is now eligible to join a local seniors group or move into a seniors housing complex and their lives come alive again.
Hang in there.
