Learning to forgive and forget they say makes you the bigger person, whoever "they" are. We all makes mistakes and everyone deserves a second chance. I would not argue that. So, when someone wrongs us, we tend to call on all the inner reserves we can muster, along with using whatever maturity and common sense it takes to unleash our own "decent~ness". We dig deep, way down, underneath the hurt, and the shame, to find the flicker of love that was once there. Even when nearly extinguished, we do what we can to take a stab at forgiveness and fan the dying flame of decency once more. After all, negative strokes they say, are better than no strokes at all.
What I mean is that it can only be a half-hearted attempt because it's in direct proportion to the magnitude of the travesty, which can only ever be a simple formula...a ratio really. Many of us simply cannot comprehend that someone we love could hurt us deliberately, or God forbid, have a black heart. Initially, we rationalize on their behalf and invent excuses for them, grasping at whatever straws are available. We try to ignore what is staring us right in the face....they are hurting us....no doubt about it. We don't want to see because you and I both know we aren't like those other people of the world who make a career out of seeing the dark side of others. That type can't seem to see the forest for the trees. Yet some, like you and I don't have to look far to find the pureness, the inner child, and the light that resides within those around us. Besides, we understand that for some, their once bright inner torch has only temporarily deserted their lighthouse, and we confirm it with a glance at the windows to their soul...yes, what's left we see is only a faint ember burning.
When we are offended, aggrieved, and hurt, we go numb. We stop everything. We lack the ability to make even the smallest of plans because all functions are literally malfunctioning at the junction. We are like a house fly when the weather turns cold. We're forced into slow motion through no fault of our own. We are an easy target. We lack the ability to connect one thought process to another. We are caught in a closed loop. We ask why, over and over and over. We want to know why and how it happened? Even when there is no answer. We wonder what we did wrong. We speculate, guess and hedge our bets about what contributed to the outcome.
We are left shaken and wondering if our worlds will ever be the same. We must grieve for our losses, but especially for the loss the person we once knew and the way of life we once had. We must grieve the wrongdoing, try to make sense of what happened, and try to move on. After all, holding on to the past, especially the negative, is neither productive nor wise.
Wrongdoings come in all shapes and sizes, from criminal activities to relationship betrayals and everything in between and beyond.
Courts of law tend to be fairly black and white. The evidence is looked upon in a strict and regimented way. Strangers are present to make decisions about your loved one. That's the bizaare part. They look at this member of your family and in part make a determination just by the presence or absence of remorse. They decide whether it is it real, fake, contrived, or simply anger and sadness at being caught. The judge and jury try to decide if the behavior was a one-time offence or if it is a continual pattern. They predict, based on all the evidence, if the behavior might return again. The evidence is assembled not only through submissions by the prosecutor and defense lawyer but by the testimony of witnesses and by continual watching of the verbal and non-verbal demeanour of the accused all through the proceedings. The manner of dress and cleanliness is assessed as extremely important. The court observes whether the person is depressed, cold and calculating, or suicidal. They hear testimony from professionals about mental illness or addictions. Lastly, using all their senses plus an unexplainable sixth sense which includes intuition, and a wish for telepathy, they look deep into the eyes of the accused. They ponder and pray to God for guidance before their deliberations are complete.
In the world outside the courts, there is no charge, neither judge nor jury; the family, friends, and community must make these same determinations. Such situations are not easy. In aboriginal culture, they may resort to sentencing circles. When addictions are involved some societies resort to interventions. Religious communities may resort to shunning. In cases of abuse though, many families seek professional help, but far too many tend to go it alone.
Let's take the one-time offender, wracked with guilt, and full of remorse. That person is most likely going to get a fairly light sentence. Perhaps a fine, or a short time behind bars. The public is happy when the discipline fits the crime. They wait and watch while the subject endures whatever hardship is bestowed. They want to see a full rehabilitation when the discipline is meted out and endured. After all is said and done, they wonder, why did the person fall off the rails in the first place? Was it a thrill-seeking adventure because of sheer boredom? Was the person lead to a dark place by unsavoury friends or acquaintances? Was there a temporary lapse in judgment while the person was influenced by drugs or alcohol? Has the person gone mad?
A common example is the Christmas Party from a few decades back. When it's time to go home, the man, who has definitely had too much to drink, hands the keys over to his wife. After all, she makes less money than him and it would be much less inconvenient if she lost her license than if he lost his. She reluctantly gets behind the wheel even though she's had a few drinks too. So far so good she thinks as she swerves on the icy streets. Before she knows it though, there's a flashing red light pulling her over. She bears the brunt of the offence and has her license marred as a result. Today, people are much more savvy than that (I hope). Mothers Against Drunk Drivers (MADD) and Students Against Drunk Drivers (SADD) have worked along with police and community media campaigns to try to get the message out...."don't drink and drive". People nowadays seem to realize more than ever that it's better to call a cab than for anybody to drive drunk.
It takes a big person to forgive and forget, but remember the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If your loved one has had a second or third or fourth chance and continues to make you the brunt of their bad behavior, you are probably now becoming a victim. Please, for everyone's sake... look hard and see if you are living in the cycle of abuse. Do you recognize the explosive incident....or the slip from sobriety....or the cheating? Then... do you recognize the honeymoon phase once the cat is out of the bag? Do you hear these words? I love you so much, you're the only one I ever wanted....I can't live without you....See the behavior for what it is. Ask yourself if there is some reason you can't live without this person. Is it because you are so co-dependent and beat down that you won't allow yourself to believe there is another and better life waiting out there for you? If you don't know what co-dependent means in a relationship, please google it! If you find yourself in this situation, by all means find a good counsellor and talk your heart out. It will help on so many levels.
Not all offences are prosecuted formally....some are matters of the heart and are dealt with in living rooms and kitchens. Navigating through these situations can only make us stronger and wiser. All the best to those trying desperately to get away from all forms of lethal controllers and unkind people. You need all the support and encouragement you can get, so if someone asks if there is anything they can do to help....ask if they want to go for coffee...
What I mean is that it can only be a half-hearted attempt because it's in direct proportion to the magnitude of the travesty, which can only ever be a simple formula...a ratio really. Many of us simply cannot comprehend that someone we love could hurt us deliberately, or God forbid, have a black heart. Initially, we rationalize on their behalf and invent excuses for them, grasping at whatever straws are available. We try to ignore what is staring us right in the face....they are hurting us....no doubt about it. We don't want to see because you and I both know we aren't like those other people of the world who make a career out of seeing the dark side of others. That type can't seem to see the forest for the trees. Yet some, like you and I don't have to look far to find the pureness, the inner child, and the light that resides within those around us. Besides, we understand that for some, their once bright inner torch has only temporarily deserted their lighthouse, and we confirm it with a glance at the windows to their soul...yes, what's left we see is only a faint ember burning.
When we are offended, aggrieved, and hurt, we go numb. We stop everything. We lack the ability to make even the smallest of plans because all functions are literally malfunctioning at the junction. We are like a house fly when the weather turns cold. We're forced into slow motion through no fault of our own. We are an easy target. We lack the ability to connect one thought process to another. We are caught in a closed loop. We ask why, over and over and over. We want to know why and how it happened? Even when there is no answer. We wonder what we did wrong. We speculate, guess and hedge our bets about what contributed to the outcome.
We are left shaken and wondering if our worlds will ever be the same. We must grieve for our losses, but especially for the loss the person we once knew and the way of life we once had. We must grieve the wrongdoing, try to make sense of what happened, and try to move on. After all, holding on to the past, especially the negative, is neither productive nor wise.
Wrongdoings come in all shapes and sizes, from criminal activities to relationship betrayals and everything in between and beyond.
Courts of law tend to be fairly black and white. The evidence is looked upon in a strict and regimented way. Strangers are present to make decisions about your loved one. That's the bizaare part. They look at this member of your family and in part make a determination just by the presence or absence of remorse. They decide whether it is it real, fake, contrived, or simply anger and sadness at being caught. The judge and jury try to decide if the behavior was a one-time offence or if it is a continual pattern. They predict, based on all the evidence, if the behavior might return again. The evidence is assembled not only through submissions by the prosecutor and defense lawyer but by the testimony of witnesses and by continual watching of the verbal and non-verbal demeanour of the accused all through the proceedings. The manner of dress and cleanliness is assessed as extremely important. The court observes whether the person is depressed, cold and calculating, or suicidal. They hear testimony from professionals about mental illness or addictions. Lastly, using all their senses plus an unexplainable sixth sense which includes intuition, and a wish for telepathy, they look deep into the eyes of the accused. They ponder and pray to God for guidance before their deliberations are complete.
In the world outside the courts, there is no charge, neither judge nor jury; the family, friends, and community must make these same determinations. Such situations are not easy. In aboriginal culture, they may resort to sentencing circles. When addictions are involved some societies resort to interventions. Religious communities may resort to shunning. In cases of abuse though, many families seek professional help, but far too many tend to go it alone.
Let's take the one-time offender, wracked with guilt, and full of remorse. That person is most likely going to get a fairly light sentence. Perhaps a fine, or a short time behind bars. The public is happy when the discipline fits the crime. They wait and watch while the subject endures whatever hardship is bestowed. They want to see a full rehabilitation when the discipline is meted out and endured. After all is said and done, they wonder, why did the person fall off the rails in the first place? Was it a thrill-seeking adventure because of sheer boredom? Was the person lead to a dark place by unsavoury friends or acquaintances? Was there a temporary lapse in judgment while the person was influenced by drugs or alcohol? Has the person gone mad?
A common example is the Christmas Party from a few decades back. When it's time to go home, the man, who has definitely had too much to drink, hands the keys over to his wife. After all, she makes less money than him and it would be much less inconvenient if she lost her license than if he lost his. She reluctantly gets behind the wheel even though she's had a few drinks too. So far so good she thinks as she swerves on the icy streets. Before she knows it though, there's a flashing red light pulling her over. She bears the brunt of the offence and has her license marred as a result. Today, people are much more savvy than that (I hope). Mothers Against Drunk Drivers (MADD) and Students Against Drunk Drivers (SADD) have worked along with police and community media campaigns to try to get the message out...."don't drink and drive". People nowadays seem to realize more than ever that it's better to call a cab than for anybody to drive drunk.
It takes a big person to forgive and forget, but remember the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If your loved one has had a second or third or fourth chance and continues to make you the brunt of their bad behavior, you are probably now becoming a victim. Please, for everyone's sake... look hard and see if you are living in the cycle of abuse. Do you recognize the explosive incident....or the slip from sobriety....or the cheating? Then... do you recognize the honeymoon phase once the cat is out of the bag? Do you hear these words? I love you so much, you're the only one I ever wanted....I can't live without you....See the behavior for what it is. Ask yourself if there is some reason you can't live without this person. Is it because you are so co-dependent and beat down that you won't allow yourself to believe there is another and better life waiting out there for you? If you don't know what co-dependent means in a relationship, please google it! If you find yourself in this situation, by all means find a good counsellor and talk your heart out. It will help on so many levels.
Not all offences are prosecuted formally....some are matters of the heart and are dealt with in living rooms and kitchens. Navigating through these situations can only make us stronger and wiser. All the best to those trying desperately to get away from all forms of lethal controllers and unkind people. You need all the support and encouragement you can get, so if someone asks if there is anything they can do to help....ask if they want to go for coffee...
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