The following poem found its way to me before 1998. My kids were finishing high school and preparing to leave home for the first time. They were heading to university, one after the other. Somebody shared the poem with me, because I was playing the 'what if' game and worrying myself sick at every turn. At one point when one of my teenagers was staying out way too late, I was laying awake every night worrying. I would show up at work the next day bleary-eyed and frazzled, but was eventually brought up short by an older female co-worker. I guess I had told her my tale of woe one too many times. I had said how my child (almost adult) was no longer flying under the radar because now we had lifted the curfew after a long and painful negotiation. After all, it was only a matter of weeks until the child would move away to a different city to go to school. I as a parent was still in shock from no more curfew. Now, my imagination was running wild as I thought about what could happen in the cold, dark, and wee hours of the morning.
My co-worker clucked her tongue, shook her head and looked me right in the eye. She asked me what good it was doing anybody for me to lose sleep like I was. I stared at her dumbfounded. She asked as clear as a bell, "don't you have any faith?" I remember being shocked by the question, because of course I believe in God. For some reason though, I never made the connection that anyone was in charge of my behavior except me. I was making one of those common mistakes that we humans make in believing we can control all things in our lives, but particularly those related to our children and families.
I learned a huge lesson that decade. I learned to back off and let go where possible. (Of course, this remains a work in progress). I discovered our children and families have just as many brains as we have and they have to learn things on their own. They can't possibly know what we know and what we have experienced, just the same as we can't expect to know everything about them. Like us, they have to write their own stories in the sand based on their own experiences. Our job is to be the vessels that house and protect their most important memories, their precious childhood experiences. My newfound insight didn't happen overnight, but I have to say I grew up a whole lot after coming to terms with the concept. No one wants to see their child make a mistake, especially when it involves a loss of money, or seeing them get hurt. Okay, there are times where you really do have to step in, I admit it...safety always comes first. Pick and choose those times though, because they may resent you for it in the end. The rule of thumb is to get hold of yourself, bite your tongue....let go and let God. One day after they leave home and grow up, they may start small by coming back to you to ask for your advice. This is a test. Try not to take over, because if you do, what are you teaching them? Learned helplessness is never a good thing. If you pass their first test, they may progress to actually asking for your help in some small way. On those days, you have to be there, waiting and ready to help ....just don't overdo it.
Don't lecture them, even if you want to. How does one stop these bad habits? There are ways around lecturing, like storytelling, but again too many stories is a dead giveaway and can get worse than lecturing....They know you inside out and backwards remember. They know you can already do everything with your eyes closed. Their eventual goal is to prove to you that they can too. Remember, they have gone from total dependence on you as a baby, to budding independence, and then to total independence. The independent stage hopefully doesn't last forever, because eventually everyone needs to develop a sense of collaboration with their loved ones. So relax and wait, be ready for it because some day, if you play your cards right, they'll be back listening to your every word and learning about all your wise ways.
I love this poem, it makes me stop and think. It was written by 'anonymous', so I don't know the context from which it arose, but it is one of the most powerful writings I know of. If you've seen it before, I hope you can renew within yourself the ideas it so easily portrays. Happy reading if this is your first time.
LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.To let go is to fear less and love more
andTo let go and to let God, is to find peace !Remember: The time to love is short ------ author unknown
My co-worker clucked her tongue, shook her head and looked me right in the eye. She asked me what good it was doing anybody for me to lose sleep like I was. I stared at her dumbfounded. She asked as clear as a bell, "don't you have any faith?" I remember being shocked by the question, because of course I believe in God. For some reason though, I never made the connection that anyone was in charge of my behavior except me. I was making one of those common mistakes that we humans make in believing we can control all things in our lives, but particularly those related to our children and families.
I learned a huge lesson that decade. I learned to back off and let go where possible. (Of course, this remains a work in progress). I discovered our children and families have just as many brains as we have and they have to learn things on their own. They can't possibly know what we know and what we have experienced, just the same as we can't expect to know everything about them. Like us, they have to write their own stories in the sand based on their own experiences. Our job is to be the vessels that house and protect their most important memories, their precious childhood experiences. My newfound insight didn't happen overnight, but I have to say I grew up a whole lot after coming to terms with the concept. No one wants to see their child make a mistake, especially when it involves a loss of money, or seeing them get hurt. Okay, there are times where you really do have to step in, I admit it...safety always comes first. Pick and choose those times though, because they may resent you for it in the end. The rule of thumb is to get hold of yourself, bite your tongue....let go and let God. One day after they leave home and grow up, they may start small by coming back to you to ask for your advice. This is a test. Try not to take over, because if you do, what are you teaching them? Learned helplessness is never a good thing. If you pass their first test, they may progress to actually asking for your help in some small way. On those days, you have to be there, waiting and ready to help ....just don't overdo it.
Don't lecture them, even if you want to. How does one stop these bad habits? There are ways around lecturing, like storytelling, but again too many stories is a dead giveaway and can get worse than lecturing....They know you inside out and backwards remember. They know you can already do everything with your eyes closed. Their eventual goal is to prove to you that they can too. Remember, they have gone from total dependence on you as a baby, to budding independence, and then to total independence. The independent stage hopefully doesn't last forever, because eventually everyone needs to develop a sense of collaboration with their loved ones. So relax and wait, be ready for it because some day, if you play your cards right, they'll be back listening to your every word and learning about all your wise ways.
I love this poem, it makes me stop and think. It was written by 'anonymous', so I don't know the context from which it arose, but it is one of the most powerful writings I know of. If you've seen it before, I hope you can renew within yourself the ideas it so easily portrays. Happy reading if this is your first time.
LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.To let go is to fear less and love more
andTo let go and to let God, is to find peace !Remember: The time to love is short ------ author unknown
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