Adventures With a Mouth Guard
I was at the dentist for a checkup and he remarked that the back of my front teeth were worn smooth. I was surprized because I had no idea I ground my teeth at night. He asked if he "had me in a night guard yet?" I said, "no". He said, "well, you really need one and what do you think about getting fitted for one?" Without even thinking, I snapped back quite hautily (like I had the choice), "I wouldn't wear one anyhow!" I went on to say something to the effect that I couldn't even imagine trying to wear one...what with my mouth full of some foreign object all night, I would likely choke to death in my sleep or worse yet have slobber running down the corners of my mouth into my ears or directly out the front of my mouth onto my chin and splashing onto the pillow. Not a pretty thought. I have seen telltale signs on the pillows of known slobberers and I definitely never want to start going down that path at the ripe old age of 58. I even portrayed for him and his friendly assistant what it would sound like if the phone should happen to ring in the night if I forgot about my mouth guard and accidentally tried to talk..."Herroo...who isth thith?
They both laughed but neither gave up there. The dentist went on to describe very firmly, but nicely that there are only two situations occurring in my mouth environment. Pressure on the teeth due to grinding force and bacteria making their way into places they wouldn't normally go because of how things get loosened or cracked. He went on to say I should have been into a night guard years ago and that in itself was the only reason for the multiple crowns I have in my mouth today. I was dumbfounded and said, "nobody has ever told me this before, how come?" He had no answer to that, since I am a new patient of his over the past couple of years. Talk about throwing good money after bad. Those crowns cost a fortune and I have had several. The best one of all is a gold one. The others my gums seem to react a little to.
So, I reluctantly asked what would be involved. Well, at the top of the pros and cons list was that even though they take impressions of both top and bottom teeth, I would only have to wear the bottoms. That did make me feel a little better. I would need two more appointments, one for taking the impressions and one for the fitting once the guard was made. I asked the cost...."only $400". I sighed and thought to myself, "Oh great, just what I need, a nice, cheap mouth guard...that I don't want to wear". Geez...
I went home and phoned my mom and told her I had the day from hell, being told I have to start wearing a mouthguard on top of all the other b.s.....you know the drill, four needles a day, diet for life, ten foot high snow piled on either side of my driveway, being the fricking boss all the time and on and on. It was obvious I was whining, but sometimes you just have to. It's like a dog that just has to get so many barks out a day to meet his quota....if he doesn't he's just not happy. My problems pale in comparison to hers so I'm not sure why I thought I should lay this all on her, but she's my mom and that's what kids do. She's darned near 80. She just had hip surgery and only now, nine months later, has started to feel less pain thanks to physiotherapy. She listened like a trooper anyhow and didn't let on that I was being ridiculous.
The next day, my co-workers regaled me with stories about people in their families who wear nightguards. I guess they were trying to make me feel better. In fact, several have had one for a long time...and, "it's not that bad". Inevitably, though, at some point, they all chew right through them. In fact, one husband chewed right through his on the very first night. One chewed through hers and had to get a metal one, oh joy. As a sidebar, she said she doesn't wear the thing that often. I can see why. Degrading.
When I told one of them my fears about the slobber and the choking, she said, "look, it's not some big hockey mouth guard, it's only a thin piece of silicone that lays over top of your bottom teeth!" I said, "oh." I couldn't fathom it regardless. I could however think of some other words starting with the letter "f" that would better describe what I wanted to say.
So the days went by and the first appointment came for me to get the impressions. It's like putting your teeth in this cold, metal trough full of thick, pink gum that hardens up. It's very fast, but the time gets long if you start choking or something, which I usually do. You do this procedure twice for tops and bottoms and then you can go home.
About a week later was the appointment for the fitting. The same assistant that I had made friends with the first time was there and seemed happy to see me. She had a mask on, but I think she was smiling...at least with her eyes. She told me everything there is to know about the night guard. First off, always return it to it's green case when not in use so as not to be hunting all over the place for it. Apparently, most people unknowingly remove their's in their sleep and they can wind up almost anywhere in the bed...mostly under the pillow. The second reason to return it to its case is if you have a pet, especially a dog. I guess the mouth guard winds up smelling like you and the dog gets all excited that you bought him a new chew toy with your scent on it. It is very important to brush your teeth and floss before putting it in your mouth because otherwise a new warm, dark, moist environment is created for bacteria and other bugs to grow between the mouth guard and the bottom teeth. She advised wearing it around the house for awhile, you know, doing dishes, watching TV, just to get used to it. Verra cute.
The next step was to run it under warm water to heat it up. I put the nice warm guard in my mouth and felt the unusual sensation. It was big and flat on the top. I began to realize this must be what false teeth feel like and said as much once the dentist arrived. I even jutted my bottom teeth out to prove my point. Again they laughed. He had me open my mouth so he could see how it fit. He also asked if I thought it fit. I said I had nothing to compare it to so wouldn't know if it fit right or not. Sort of the same reasoning why I don't buy Tofu. I wouldn't know on purchase if I was buying the rotten one or the good one because they all look the same to me. He encouraged me to wear it as much as possible and I made a pact to at least give it a try. After he left, the dental assistant gave me a special treat...my impressions ... both sets. They were all wrapped up in bubble wrap and put in an envelope. She said to keep them in my sock drawer, because, and got quite vague at this point, but that I might need them again. (I was onto her though, because I already know people chew right through them).
So last evening after supper, I put the thing in my mouth for practice. I did everything I was told, including brushing, and flossing. At first, I was all mouth, no denying it. Then I got involved in a TV show and forgot about it twice. I thought to myself, "one thing about having a mouthful of plastic, it sure helps cut down on the late night snacking". I kept it in all evening and then went straight to bed. I even had a drink of water over top of it. I read my book as usual for a little while after climbing into bed and didn't have any initial problems. I started falling asleep and woke myself up when I realized I was chewing the living hell out of the night guard. It made me laugh because it was for all the world exactly the same as a dog chewing on a bone. All I could think was that if my brothers could see me they would be killing themselves laughing. I did go to sleep waking up once about 3:00 a.m. to marvel that I hadn't choked to death and another when the alarm went off. As I dozed back to sleep, I realized that I was giving that chunk of plastic the workout of it's life...again! I actually had to force myself to stop the chewing because I discovered it is really a highly pleasurable activity. Must be that centre in your brain that looks after animal instinct. So, as you can see, I'm definitely identifying with our four-legged friends. Unbelievable, but this is how our lives progress. Normal one day, ... chewing on a hunk of plastic the next. Oh, the irony.
I was at the dentist for a checkup and he remarked that the back of my front teeth were worn smooth. I was surprized because I had no idea I ground my teeth at night. He asked if he "had me in a night guard yet?" I said, "no". He said, "well, you really need one and what do you think about getting fitted for one?" Without even thinking, I snapped back quite hautily (like I had the choice), "I wouldn't wear one anyhow!" I went on to say something to the effect that I couldn't even imagine trying to wear one...what with my mouth full of some foreign object all night, I would likely choke to death in my sleep or worse yet have slobber running down the corners of my mouth into my ears or directly out the front of my mouth onto my chin and splashing onto the pillow. Not a pretty thought. I have seen telltale signs on the pillows of known slobberers and I definitely never want to start going down that path at the ripe old age of 58. I even portrayed for him and his friendly assistant what it would sound like if the phone should happen to ring in the night if I forgot about my mouth guard and accidentally tried to talk..."Herroo...who isth thith?
They both laughed but neither gave up there. The dentist went on to describe very firmly, but nicely that there are only two situations occurring in my mouth environment. Pressure on the teeth due to grinding force and bacteria making their way into places they wouldn't normally go because of how things get loosened or cracked. He went on to say I should have been into a night guard years ago and that in itself was the only reason for the multiple crowns I have in my mouth today. I was dumbfounded and said, "nobody has ever told me this before, how come?" He had no answer to that, since I am a new patient of his over the past couple of years. Talk about throwing good money after bad. Those crowns cost a fortune and I have had several. The best one of all is a gold one. The others my gums seem to react a little to.
So, I reluctantly asked what would be involved. Well, at the top of the pros and cons list was that even though they take impressions of both top and bottom teeth, I would only have to wear the bottoms. That did make me feel a little better. I would need two more appointments, one for taking the impressions and one for the fitting once the guard was made. I asked the cost...."only $400". I sighed and thought to myself, "Oh great, just what I need, a nice, cheap mouth guard...that I don't want to wear". Geez...
I went home and phoned my mom and told her I had the day from hell, being told I have to start wearing a mouthguard on top of all the other b.s.....you know the drill, four needles a day, diet for life, ten foot high snow piled on either side of my driveway, being the fricking boss all the time and on and on. It was obvious I was whining, but sometimes you just have to. It's like a dog that just has to get so many barks out a day to meet his quota....if he doesn't he's just not happy. My problems pale in comparison to hers so I'm not sure why I thought I should lay this all on her, but she's my mom and that's what kids do. She's darned near 80. She just had hip surgery and only now, nine months later, has started to feel less pain thanks to physiotherapy. She listened like a trooper anyhow and didn't let on that I was being ridiculous.
The next day, my co-workers regaled me with stories about people in their families who wear nightguards. I guess they were trying to make me feel better. In fact, several have had one for a long time...and, "it's not that bad". Inevitably, though, at some point, they all chew right through them. In fact, one husband chewed right through his on the very first night. One chewed through hers and had to get a metal one, oh joy. As a sidebar, she said she doesn't wear the thing that often. I can see why. Degrading.
When I told one of them my fears about the slobber and the choking, she said, "look, it's not some big hockey mouth guard, it's only a thin piece of silicone that lays over top of your bottom teeth!" I said, "oh." I couldn't fathom it regardless. I could however think of some other words starting with the letter "f" that would better describe what I wanted to say.
So the days went by and the first appointment came for me to get the impressions. It's like putting your teeth in this cold, metal trough full of thick, pink gum that hardens up. It's very fast, but the time gets long if you start choking or something, which I usually do. You do this procedure twice for tops and bottoms and then you can go home.
About a week later was the appointment for the fitting. The same assistant that I had made friends with the first time was there and seemed happy to see me. She had a mask on, but I think she was smiling...at least with her eyes. She told me everything there is to know about the night guard. First off, always return it to it's green case when not in use so as not to be hunting all over the place for it. Apparently, most people unknowingly remove their's in their sleep and they can wind up almost anywhere in the bed...mostly under the pillow. The second reason to return it to its case is if you have a pet, especially a dog. I guess the mouth guard winds up smelling like you and the dog gets all excited that you bought him a new chew toy with your scent on it. It is very important to brush your teeth and floss before putting it in your mouth because otherwise a new warm, dark, moist environment is created for bacteria and other bugs to grow between the mouth guard and the bottom teeth. She advised wearing it around the house for awhile, you know, doing dishes, watching TV, just to get used to it. Verra cute.
The next step was to run it under warm water to heat it up. I put the nice warm guard in my mouth and felt the unusual sensation. It was big and flat on the top. I began to realize this must be what false teeth feel like and said as much once the dentist arrived. I even jutted my bottom teeth out to prove my point. Again they laughed. He had me open my mouth so he could see how it fit. He also asked if I thought it fit. I said I had nothing to compare it to so wouldn't know if it fit right or not. Sort of the same reasoning why I don't buy Tofu. I wouldn't know on purchase if I was buying the rotten one or the good one because they all look the same to me. He encouraged me to wear it as much as possible and I made a pact to at least give it a try. After he left, the dental assistant gave me a special treat...my impressions ... both sets. They were all wrapped up in bubble wrap and put in an envelope. She said to keep them in my sock drawer, because, and got quite vague at this point, but that I might need them again. (I was onto her though, because I already know people chew right through them).
So last evening after supper, I put the thing in my mouth for practice. I did everything I was told, including brushing, and flossing. At first, I was all mouth, no denying it. Then I got involved in a TV show and forgot about it twice. I thought to myself, "one thing about having a mouthful of plastic, it sure helps cut down on the late night snacking". I kept it in all evening and then went straight to bed. I even had a drink of water over top of it. I read my book as usual for a little while after climbing into bed and didn't have any initial problems. I started falling asleep and woke myself up when I realized I was chewing the living hell out of the night guard. It made me laugh because it was for all the world exactly the same as a dog chewing on a bone. All I could think was that if my brothers could see me they would be killing themselves laughing. I did go to sleep waking up once about 3:00 a.m. to marvel that I hadn't choked to death and another when the alarm went off. As I dozed back to sleep, I realized that I was giving that chunk of plastic the workout of it's life...again! I actually had to force myself to stop the chewing because I discovered it is really a highly pleasurable activity. Must be that centre in your brain that looks after animal instinct. So, as you can see, I'm definitely identifying with our four-legged friends. Unbelievable, but this is how our lives progress. Normal one day, ... chewing on a hunk of plastic the next. Oh, the irony.
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